Keeping Up Appearances

Over the last month, my wife and I were immersed in the conclusion of a two year adventure to bring home our infant adoptive daughter Layla to be with her forever family.

This final leg of the journey involved us spending a third of a month away from our older 3 children over 2 different trips to the United States.

We had lots of time to think, pray, learn, observe and grow together and separately.

One of the things that struck me the most about our southern neighbour's culture and community was the over-arching desire to seemingly have to keep up appearances. We saw people invest tremendous amounts of effort to mask their pain, their questions, their confusion and their ineptitude in a variety of different ways. We met others who were attempting to live counter culturally to this seemingly natural American expression, which reminded us of something we were pursuing in our own family.

About 8 years ago my wife Bonny and I sat down and crafted together some values that we wanted to be the guideposts for our family in the present and the future. One of these values is authenticity.

"If it's not real, it's not worth it" - one of our favourite phrases

As we've stitched this notion and practice into the fibre of our family, we've found a tremendous sense of freedom from the desire to keep up appearances. We have more energy, more capacity and more opportunity to invest ourselves in things that actually matter.

What we've discovered in this journey is that friendships have been more difficult to find and nurture than we thought.

You see, the challenge with authenticity is that you need to face your own pain, your own short comings and your own pride. You need to admit to yourself and to others that you are not only imperfect, but you are in need of the aide others can offer you in order to continue to grow emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and physically.

And that is the challenge.

Admitting that we need something other than our own ability to create a stable present or future.

But I wonder how different life would be if we each of us found the courage to remove our masks and get real with life and with each other?

I don't have time to waste trying to be something or someone that I'm not. So I don't bother with it anymore. I am who I am...the Creator who made me knew what He was doing when He authored my life to come to be.

How about you? Are you aiming to be real, or to be something completely different?

Do Your Best

My dad is one of my heroes in life.

He and I couldn't be more different.

He is a jack of all trades...and me, well, I'm not very good with my hands in terms of handyman type work. I can get a job done, but not nearly to the degree of excellence that my dad can.

I can remember going on a missions trip with my dad when I was in grade 11. There was some light construction work we were doing, and my dad's advice to the team was simple: "Do your best. Pretend like you are working on your home."

These are words that I have shared with others over the years.

They are words of empathy. If you can identify with the set of circumstances that another person is experiencing while you are helping them out, you will not only meet their need, you will also inspire hope.

The next time you are helping someone out, ask yourself the question - are you doing your best?

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

A Way Forward

One of my favourite biblical leadership stories is found in the thirteenth chapter of the book of Numbers (read it here).

Here is a brief summary:

• The Israelites (God's people) were headed to their new home...the promised land
• All this generation had known was slavery to the Egyptians
• This promise of a new home was a chance to start again, to create a new present/future
• The land they were invited to live in by God was full of other tribal groups, meaning they would have to fight for their present/future
• 12 men were chosen to go explore the land and report back to the entire community
• 10 men reported that it would be impossible to find a way forward
• only 2 men had the courage to inspire the community to consider the possibility despite the perceived challenges that lie ahead
• The nation of Israel chose to remain in the space there were familiar with (living on the run)
• The future promise of this new home didn't come to fruition until an entirely new generation rose up to take hold of what they new to be true.

Leadership is full of all kinds of different challenges! There are two major responses to tension that leaders face.

1. Compromise
2. A Way Forward

The way any leader chooses to approach the challenges they face will not only define their present, but their future impact as well. Here are some deeper thoughts I'm learning about these two major leadership strategies.

Compromise is a Killer

Compromise promises something that it cannot deliver...consensus and buy-in. What might seem like a good idea at the time ends up being a passive tactic or attempt to delay the inevitable.

Compromise leaves people unsettled. There is no promise that when another challenge or hurdle emerges it won't create an even more chaotic response or leadership position. Compromise is nothing more than a short-term, static, cumbersome response to the issue at hand.

A Way Forward

These are some of the most powerful words someone can speak to themselves and to others in the middle of a leadership tensions, personal crises or other ill-fitting space that someone may find themselves in.

The way forward may not always be the most obvious or popular response to the situation at hand...but it is the way forward that provides the vision and lens through which hope can give birth to a new present and future reality.

The way forward is a long-term, dynamic solution that is meant to create stability and hope while making the future more attainable than what you originally might perceive. 

So What Now

The next time you find yourself facing tension in your world, consider what your response might be. Are you seeking to compromise, or are you open to a way forward through the obstacle you are facing? The solution may not seem obvious at first. Drill down. Find the root. Think of what could be so that what will be is the place where you truly desire to end up living in.

If you aren't willing to find a way forward, someone else will...and that might mean that you miss out on the preferred future you once desired. Think about it. Find the courage to lead and live differently. Live the story that is unfolding before you.

The Quest for Success

What defines success? 

This is perhaps the most prominent question rarely asked in North American culture today. We have become obsessed with being successful, but what does it mean to pursue success?

Industry says bigger is better. Family says multiplication is essential. Media says followers and likes are critical. But do any of these point to success?

When is something big enough? What happens if a married or co-habitating couple cannot conceive? Who has time to truly generate viable and consistent interaction online?

Success in sequence

What if success is rooted in rhythm and adaptability? In this season of life as a leader, I am beginning to understand that my ability to adapt to different cultural nuances while remaining in a life-giving rhythm of work, play and rest is essential to success. Some people might refer to this as the quest for balance and may even suggest that balance is impossible to attain. I, however, would disagree.

Balance in and of itself is a static word, but coupled with the concept of rhythm and adaptability, it becomes a dynamic reality.

Perhaps the beginning to our definition of success lies with understanding the cultural context we are currently immersed in. There is no cultural absolute definition for success. 

Success and sustainability

Having had the privilege to travel to several foreign countries, I can tell you that there are very different questions being asked about what success really is. The pursuit of "life in the red" as it pertains to pace is a uniquely North American issue predominantly. Different places in the world seemingly define success more in terms of relational benefit or growth, availability of opportunity for a broader scope of people, and/or the honouring of history or cultural practices.

But I wonder if success, general speaking, needs to focus more on the concept of sustainability than legacy, personal gain or economic development.

I'm a father of young children. The desire that I share as a parent for them is that they would be able to identify the rhythms of success in my life, while learning to adapt to the ever-changing cultural climate they are growing up in, in order to reflect a healthy pursuit of success in their own lives and the lives of their own children one day.

Land the plane - is success really ahead?

What is your current awareness level of how you are striving to succeed? What factors are at play in your definition of success? Have you become tunnel visioned in your pursuit of some sort of absolute, or are you willing and able to grow in your understanding of what success really is?

Success. The seemingly elusive and seductive invisible force. In one day, at one time, may you find clarity in reclaiming what really matters.

A New Hope

There is a way forward.

These are some of the most powerful words someone can hear in a time of need. When faced with insurmountable odds or circumstances, finding the hope that there is a way through the darkness, pain, uncertainty or confusion is life giving.

A friend of mine was facing some huge challenges in his marriage after his wife uncovered his infidelity. He was broken, confused, distraught and utterly overwhelmed by the reality of the weight of the potential consequences for his actions.

But somehow, he still found hope...and so did his wife. Together, they pursued restoration, healing and forgiveness and today they marital union is vibrant and inspiring.

I imagine their story would have unfolded differently had they not been given the gift of seeing a way forward that didn't further deepen their pain.

Their story isn't unlike yours or mine. Every single one of us is faced with difficult realities in life. And when these moments are revealed, we have a choice to make. We can choose to uncover a way forward, or we can choose to become overwhelmed and immobilized by the fear of uncertainty.

Leadership is chalked full of moments of uncertainty, second-guessing, confusion, clarity and more. It's in these moments that I am learning to pursue hope while taking the time to discover a way forward. And for me as a follower of Jesus, this has meant much prayer, listening and facing the fear that has attempted to immobilize me at every turn.

You and I are not dissimilar. No matter what you may find yourself immersed in at the moment, there is a way forward. Find the hope amidst the chaos. Face the fear with courage. Create a new normal.

There is a way forward.

All Shapes and Sizes

Leaders look different.

This is one of the many gifts the millennial generation is innovating in the leadership world of today. There is no longer this desire to be like everyone else. Individuality is the flavour du jour, accompanied with a deepening appreciation for diversity and variety.

One question that I've been stewing over lately is the correlation between personality and confidence.

How does one's propensity towards extroversion or introversion affect their level of confidence as a leader?

I'm a pseudo-sociologist junkie by nature. Armed with my keen powers of observation, there are some general realities. that I've discovered with having the privilege of interacting with hundreds of different leaders over the years...and this one is preoccupying my thoughts the most as of late.

The most confident people tend to be the most quiet. 

Volume doesn't equal confidence. There is a time and place to rally people towards a cause using one's exuberance and energy, but there is also a time to be still and quiet in order to discover what is really happening on the leadership level internally, not just externally.

I've made the mistake of assuming that quiet person in the room is the one that needs to be encouraged or spurred on the most. Often times this had led to me swallowing both my feet right in front of them as I've unsuccessfully attempted to woo them towards the perceived elusive confidence I believe they are lacking.

Sometimes being quiet has allowed a person to embrace their identity at a deeper level. Those of us who tend to be loud may simply be attempting to control the environment in which we are seen or perceived so that it can continue to fuel our insecurity through verbal affirmation and relational reward.

If you've ever spent some time being still and enjoying a part of nature (mountains, beach, forest, etc.) you'll understand that there is a different layer of enjoyment when the noise and clutter are removed from the moment.

Leaders create spaces and opportunities to grow in confidence. When you think about who you are as a leader, what are you learning the most about remaining confident in who you are or in who those around you are meant to be?

Are you someone who is motivated by your own insecurity, or are you able to appreciate the rich diversity and variety that are essential to leadership health?

Personality or Substance - What kind of leader are you?

Yesterday was a first for me.

I had the privilege of working in the federal election of my home country Canada. My role was to serve electors and help them cast their vote. It was an exhilarating experience to observe democracy and freedom in action.

As I watched all the activities and events leading up to election, I couldn't help but be reminded of a key concept that I've continued to learn as a leader; that being the principle of personality or substance.

There will be a lot of different political satire pieces dispersed in the world of the inter-web today, but this my friends isn't one of them.

It's true that this election process has reminded me of this leadership principle most recently, but it is my drive and passion as a dad that truly inspires me to understand the relationship between personality and substance. This is a non-partisan conversation about leadership, being a dad and desiring to disciple those in my sphere of influence to be all they have been created to be.

#MySonDeklon

I love all of my children dearly!! Each of them is amazingly unique. It just so happens that what I'm learning today relates more directly to Deklon at the moment.

My son Deklon shares some similarities with our newly elected Prime Minister, Mr. Justin Trudeau. Both men can enter a room, entertain their community and leave people wanting more.

The greatest challenge that I face as a dad to Deklon is to teach him to use his talent for inspiring and captivating people to draw them into the depth of substance...because substance is where people will truly grow and develop, and personality come sometimes be a barrier to this growth and development.




Suppose I tell you the story of a woman who lights up the room every time she walks in. Friends, colleagues, strangers...they all admire her for the beauty she possesses that transcends her stunning outward appearance. She is elevated to a position of power and influence because of this gift, and uses it to reshape the course of history for generations to come.

What would you say were her most important gifts, talents and abilities to have been able to create this new future?

This story is a true story. It's the story of a woman named Esther, which is recorded in the bible (read it here). Esther inspires a king, who makes her his queen so that she can be used by God to create a hope and future for her people...her tribe. It's the depth of her character that allows her personality to flourish and grow into something beautiful.

Being a leader

All leaders face the tension of personality or substance. The most prolific ones are those who can learn to marry personality and substance together to create a hope and a future. 

Brody Jesperson, a friend of mine, recently posted this on Facebook - "What you attract people with will be what they are attracted to." 

He shared this in the context of being a youth minister. It can be very tempting to use hype and mystery to draw a crowd, but also very humbling when you recognize that hype is a permeable thing, shifting effortlessly and simultaneously all at once...don't believe me, watch a Jays game in the playoffs this year!!

Leadership is different...it has to be. People rely on leaders to be persons of integrity, of hope, of stability and of future thinking. Leaders can possess a dynamic personality, but they don't always have to. The character behind the personality leads to the future, not the other way around.

As a leader I ask myself these gut check questions:

1. Is this about me or something greater than I?

2. Can I see beyond myself in this moment?

3. What is the long-term reality of this decision I am making?

4. Who am I allowing to speak into my life to help shape my present and my future?

5. Am I teachable and willing to learn?

When you come face to face with the tension that can be a personality or substance dichotomy, how do you respond?

My hope

My hope for my son Deklon and all other folks who are gifted with a dynamic personality is that they would learn to marry substance with their gift: leading from a place that is full of integrity, honesty, goodness and the future. 

I'm praying for my son. I cannot wait to see how him grow and develop. I pray for him like I pray for his sister Saydie, his brother Cannon and the child we are waiting to add to our family through adoption. I pray for their hope and future.

And I pray for you reader...you brave soul who chose to click on a link to the ramblings of a crazy Canadian. May you be inspired to merge your personality with substance to create something beautiful!